Maybe you keep finding yourself in the unknown, because the unknown is the only thing big enough to hold you.
Intro
Thank you for tuning into the falling into soul podcast. I'm McCall Erickson. It's an honor to be in this space with you, sharing my experience and nuanced understanding of the alchemical processes that awaken and keep the soul well in an ever changing and challenging world. Not only that, but right now a world in crisis and collapse. Never could there be more important time to know, uncover and live the magic, genius, wonder of the soul.
This is Episode 19 Born From Nothing--Magical Will.
One of the hardest moments of soul alignment for me has always been when it's time to let go of my best attempts at figuring things out, or making sense of things, or making things happen in a certain way. Letting go of what I know, let letting go of the familiar, letting go of trying to heal, and in the moment facing the fear that comes from wondering what if I let go of what no longer serves what obviously isn't working and I get nothing instead. Wouldn't it be better to at least have something than nothing, even if that something requires me to give away parts of myself, play small, stifle my innermost being. What's better? Being aligned and alone with nothing and no one or being a little bit misaligned and still having something to show for it.
Is something better than nothing? Well, maybe it is until it isn't anymore. And when it isn't anymore, and you have no choice, but to face the unknown, you have to do it without any guarantee of what will come of it. We have to be willing to go empty handed without guarantee of what will come into those hands again. We surrender the knowing we surrender the control, we surrender, attachment to specific outcomes. We surrender our favorite stories on repeat, for a chance to turn the soul story, a spiral deeper in its own evolution for a chance to know life and love and relate to the terror and beauty and wonder of it all at a level we've never known before.
Yes, it costs us. It costs us to do this. Make no mistake it costs and it hurts. But when it hurts in a worse way not to, that's when you know you can't not do it.
I'm thinking of the quote by Thich Nhat Hanh, where he said, "People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of the fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar."
That quote has been with me for years. Do I prefer the familiar suffering? Or am I brave enough, is it time, have I had enough of the bullshit on repeat to maybe face the unknown, unknown suffering? This moment of going empty handed, of being willing to face the unknown with courage? You know, it's not celebrated in our culture. We are not trained for this. We don't have a lot of support for it or much context for it at all. It's not included as a rite of passage in our culture. Although it is a process of the very nature we are. Trying to live your true nature in a culture that denies and makes no room for that true nature is crazy making. But there are those of us who do it anyway.
For me, this moment of giving up all the known to face the unknown defines my life. I used to say that I had these words by W.E.B Dubois tattooed on my heart, "The most important thing to remember is this, to be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become." To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become.
I said that was tattooed on my heart because my life seemed to be a string of these exact moments over and over. Now there is truly nothing that is not this moment. This way of being, continually giving up who I've been for what I might become continually walking that razor's edge of the unknown. So I don't fear it as much as I used to, but I still live it. Perhaps this is the very definition of living, since life is a manifestation of the mystery, and that very mystery of life, lives and breathes through us. If we don't give ourselves over to that mysterious flow, the flow we can't consciously control, are we really living in a way that is going to satisfy the soul? If we're not in the unknown? Are we in the soul?
The "fuck this" moment
Since I have some practice and some time under my belt with this way of living, I know what can come from living in the unknown, of becoming nothing, like I talked about in Episode 18. So I want to share my experience with what can come from allowing ourselves to unbecome everything, and first become nothing. What can come from this nothingness? I also shared in Episode 18 that many people I've worked with along the way, have a moment of "fuck this." when it comes to the more rigorous processes of distillation, the processes of clearing the slate, deprogramming, unbecoming, clearing the way. "Fuck this." If all of this leads to me becoming and having nothing, losing everything I love, and everyone I love in the process, why am I even doing this?
I understand this moment, this question so much. And yes, I want to validate it. It first of all does lead to nothing. And it's pretty awful. It feels terrible. It doesn't satisfy the immediate self at all. There's a real grieving that has to be done. But the nothingness is not the endpoint. It's the truest beginning. It's the zero point field. In the nothingness, we become aligned with all that we are the good, bad, ugly, otherwise, the right and wrong, the light and dark, the angel and the devil of us. The last line of the song, Nothing At All that I sang in the last episode sums it all up. "In this nothing, there's room for everything, the flying, the falling in the all."
In this nothing, there's room for everything. This is the gift of the nothingness. You don't have to pick and choose. You don't have to be one thing or another. It's big enough to hold all of you. The alignment with nothingness, alignment with the unknown is to align with your entire being. If that's what you want, if you want to live from that place of greatness, that place of bigness, then the nothingness is for you.
And what is born from this alignment is magical will.
And that's what I want to hone in on this episode because it truly is one of the great gifts that comes from seeing the alchemical processes of transformation through at first Yes, we might get nothing. And that's a good sign. But what comes from the nothingness is magical will. Magical will helps us navigate in the unknown, helps us build, create live in the unknown. I talked about it in The Second Half of the Mountain. So I'm going to read the definition in the glossary on page 111.
Magical will is an intuitive awareness that bypasses thoughts of right or wrong, born in us through the procedures of distillation, aiding in the wielding of the stone. When we learn to act on magical will without understanding or being privy to its deeper meanings and implications, great and astounding magic as possible. This is the magic of our entire being at work, not just the magic of the thinking mind. However, before the procedures of the Second Journey, our psyches are still too fragile to realize, trust and work fully with magical will. Once we've alchemized the psyche to a certain point, the soul receives pure downloads from spirit and turns it into the will to act without thought processes slowing us down and getting in the way. I first heard the term magical intuition. And Catherine MacCoun's book On Becoming An Alchemist.
So those are both two good terms magical intuition and magical will. I use the term magical will because it's a driving force. It's what moves us forward it what it's what propels us into action, it's what actually makes things happen without trying to make things happen. But yes, it is an intuitive awareness that is born from seeing these alchemical processes through. And this is the gift that comes from being delivered into the nothingness by that alchemy. It's not nothing. It's just not anything our minds can recognize at first, it's not one thing or the other.
The Magical Way of the Third
In our binary world, we are so used to things being this or that right or wrong, left or right, good or bad. So much so that when we encompass the true nature of our own light and darkness, when we become both, when we step out of all those old stories, and narratives that support us being good or bad, right or wrong, light or dark, then we don't have a category for what we are, it first feels like nothing. But the magical will, is born from this, the third way, the magical way of the third is born from uniting all of these opposites within.
I want to read a little bit more. On page 97, The Dawn of Magical Will
You've alchemized your emotions, surrendered your preconceived notions, and cleared the path enough that your spirit and soul can work directly together without much thought or ritual on your part to create something magical. This is the dawn of magical will, a combined stream of your conscious intent and unconscious will that compels you to act outside the confines of the judging mind. It's different than wishful thinking or mere thought projection. It encompasses the known and unknown of you. Magical will isn't about consciously scheming or planning a way into or out of things. It's tuning into the stream of flow that comes from within and allowing what's real to surprise you with every step. It's doing what feels aligned in the moment and letting go of where you think it's leading or what you think it might mean while also keeping your eye on the bigger picture.
You no longer have the luxury of knowing beforehand, the effects and outcomes of your magical deeds. And you often have magical effects on people and things that you weren't intending at all. Magical will isn't light or dark, right or wrong spirit or soul thinking or feeling physical or spiritual. It's an intuitive awareness that encompasses both and all. You don't get to chalk yourself up as being wholly right or wholly wrong. You just Are you just do. You don't have anyone or anything backing you up anymore. No dogma to prove you're right. No God to save you, no devil to claim you, and no spirit or earthly team to validate your worth. You don't get to pin your failures, successes, actions or creations on any belief or system outside yourself. Because there's no one and nothing left standing between you and you. Your life becomes a testament to itself.
Whew. I had to take a break and breathe after that one. That's big. That's a lot. I realized that this is the far end of the alchemical journey. I know it's hard to reach. I know it's not popular. But I know I'm not the only one.
So having navigated the unknown from this place of magical will for a while now, I can say that the hardest part about it is getting used to it, getting used to what it feels like getting used to not having the control, getting used to suppressing the thinking mind more than is comfortable to the human, but also finding ways to make my human comfortable in the meantime.
Key Points To Working With Magical Will
I want to talk about some keys of some points to keep in mind about how magical will works. This is such a big topic. And once again, it's daunting to try to cover it in a 20 minute episode. I'm not going to get it all in this episode. How magical will works is so intricate and unique to each person. But there are some points that I want to outline to keep in mind about it.
- First of all, with magical will you have to trust what makes no sense right now. You have to trust what is pulling you from within at this time. What you can't not do even though it might seem backward or absurd. You don't get to know now. You have to trust now and know why later.
- What is your body pulling you to? because magical will lives in the body. I mean, in the physical body, your spirit and your soul, and those intelligences combined in your flesh in your tissues in your cells. You don't go to your intellect,\ or your mind to make sense of things or to ask for the next step. You go to your body. So what will your body do or won't do? Will your body or won't your body? I have a friend who says if there's such thing as magical will, there's such thing as a magical won't. Sometimes your body will not let you move in a direction you want to move. That's intuitive knowing that's intuitive will, that's magical will. What is your body wanting asking allowing you to move toward no matter what you think about it, no matter what your opinion about it is. That's magical will. You have to honor "what is" in your body.
- So you have to enter the feeling state of right now. You know, the one of the biggest things that bothers me about Margaritaville, and the Spiritual Margaritaville way of living is "you can feel how you want to feel." How do you want to feel, make yourself. You can feel however you want to feel. I'm so bothered by that because to alchemists, it's not about feeling a certain way. It's about feeling how you feel, entering that feeling state, being there for yourself in the feeling state that you are in, that is the portal, how you feel your mood, your energy, that is the portal that's the key in to the soul and the things you don't know you know that you need to know. You have to enter the feeling state be in it without understanding it first. You might understand it later, you might not. You know, for me, I have learned how to trust my varying moods. Even though I want to be all loving with a person or, or my partner or a friend, I can't make myself be if I'm not and I have to trust there's a reason I'm not feeling that way. And I feel how I feel, be willing to be in any feeling state you are and be willing to be with yourself in that feeling state the feeling state is the portal in to the soul.
- Next be willing to let go of being on the right team. Be willing to let go of looking good or bad. You don't get to know whether what you're doing is right or wrong, or good or bad. That's not how magical will works. Magical will comes from that field that Rumi talks about out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing. That's where magical will resides and is born from. Alchemists are less interested in being good or being right or being on the right side of history or the right team as they are in being aligned and effective. from that place of alignment, of alignment with the all that we are, the light and the dark. Knowing that being aligned isn't about being right. We know there is shadow with our light. We can see this when we look at the leaders throughout time, who thought they knew what was right for humanity and tried to lead everyone in that direction. How well has that ever gone? There is always shadow attached. There are even bigger problems that arise with big sweeping solutions. Everything good we do comes with an equal and opposite reaction. Newton's third law of motion right? So when we are working from the field beyond ideas of wrong and right when we are both and we allow our hearts to span the chasm between both light and dark that we are, we don't get to hang on to whether we are doing good or not. We are moving from a place of doing what's necessary, what's necessary to affect change and transformation on the smallest, close-scale possible. Change and transformation doesn't happen because it's good or bad. It happens because it's necessary, come what may. Remembering this keeps our grandiosity in check. It keeps us from operating from a place of righteousness and good intentions when those intentions are wrapped up in shadows we cannot see. And we come to know we're not operating from a place of good or bad intent. We're operating from a place of magical intent, born from this magical alignment made possible by giving up not only our ideas of good and bad, but of magic itself.
- Another point for working with magical will is being willing to acknowledge and work with your immediate self, and your infinite self, both. The immediate self has wants, desires, ideas, opinions about what should be going on. But it has a limited view. But that immediate self is the vessel through which the higher infinite self creates the magic and brings spirit into form. So it's not about choosing the higher self over the immediate self as it is about bringing both of them to the table, they both matter. It's allowing them both to sit at the table and have tea, both to have a voice, have a say in the matter, allow the immediate self to grieve, the human self to stumble feel horrible about what what's going on, without ruining the whole show, without ruining the bigger picture. I welcome everything into the hole and that's what it takes for magical will, we have to welcome all parts of us into the whole, hold them once at once, without contradiction,
- Along with welcoming everything into the whole is welcoming or feminine and our masculine, our being and our doing. It can be challenging to have to integrate both the being and the doing and realize the doing comes from the being in alchemy, this is called the Stellar Path--the uniting of the Solar Path which is spirit path and the Lunar Path, which is soul path uniting them together has one is called the Stellar Path. And that is the path of magical will.
And realize that when you and unite these and you walk the Stellar Path, and you allow your magical will to lead the way, something will be born in might not look the way you thought it would or think it should. But that's the magic, the magic of the nothing space. The nothing space is where we go from trying to make things happen, reaching for them, making all our best guesses at them, making plans for things... we go from that to receiving things as they actually want to happen in organic flow, in organic unfolding. This nothing space is where we receive. We learn to listen, we learn to wait. We learn to drop down into quiet, subtler, deeper conversation to be shown what wants to be done through us. We stop trying to do. We be and through the being, magical will is done. Magical will is done through you. This magical will and the way of the soul does not make sense looking forward. After a while you can look back and connect the dots. But looking forward, it just looks like unknown and unknown and unknown.
Thank you for tuning in and being with me in this space. If you would like to support the show or find more of my work, go to McCall Erickson.com. Until next time, be well in soul.