Ep. 40 With Love for the Ego

What happens to the ego through the processes of alchemy?

In this episode let's explore:

• the progression of ego from Tyrant to Team Player
• the job of a healthy, alchemized ego in sacred alignment
• the partnership between ego and soul
• how to navigate the ego disappointment and dissatisfaction that comes with soul alignment 

With love,

M

‣  get the "disappointing and lovely" sticker

Transcript

Is there a more loaded word in the lane of psychospiritual development than ego? Of course I would choose to get all up in the business of a loaded word. I love loaded words. I love to unload them, strip them down, wiggle them around, see what else they might have to say.

ahhh… I love words.

Ego. That’s a big one, isn’t it? Mostly in spiritual circles we know this about ego: it is not good. Whatever you do, definitely make sure you do not have ego involved. The less ego you have, the more spiritual you are, the more loving you are, the more holy and pure you are….right? right?...have we ascended yet?

No seriously, do you know the secret because in the past twenty five years, I’ve died in a thousand different ways through dozens of alchemical transformations, which we can call ego deaths, and my ego is still here. 

Ugh. Ugh and… maybe brilliant…somehow ?

In this episode…let’s explore. What happens to the ego through the processes of alchemy? Is it suppressed? Suspended? Released? Disenfranchised? Where does it go? What is the ego’s role in living and navigating from the soul while being the here-now humans that we are? 

I’m really delighted you pushed play on this podcast, fellow travelers, thank you, this is Falling Into Soul and I’m your host McCall. I am the author of two books exploring the alchemical initiations required to free the soul from cultural and spiritual conditionings and live that wild unrepeatable magic that is uniquely yours to live. My first book, The Second Half of the Mountain is a book for you if you find yourself in some rather dark, confusing, and inexplicable processes after having already awakened, already done a fair amount of inner work, and it still might feel like there’s something missing, like there’s something deeper grabbing hold of you, pulling you in some wild and weird direction you can’t not go. That’s for you, The Second Half of the Mountain. Book two Down from the Mountain is for you if the dark nights are old hat to you…perhaps you’re finding yourself disappointed and disillusioned about what you thought the dark nights would bring you, what you thought the work of healing and alchemy was ever about in the first place and you’re feeling the call in some very uncomfortable ways to come back to life and be more human. You can find links to both books in the show notes.

As for this episode, let’s talk about the ego. I know some people are probably gonna bristle or do bristle when they hear the word ego, and I can think of some good reasons for that, but I am going to admit something to you up front, I have a ton of appreciation and love for the ego–especially an alchemized, healthy, balanced ego. What do I mean by that? What is an alchemized, balanced ego, and how do we get there?

From Tyrant to Team Player–The Progression of the Ego

Well, in the beginning and before any personal transformation in life, the ego can be majorly out of balance, meaning the ego is the center of gravity, the ego is at the helm, the ego is directing the show. Alchemists have a word for the unalchemized ego. They call it The Tyrant King. I’ve always loved that. It’s the perfect word for an ego that is unalchemized. A tyrant is an oppressive and unjust ruler. The Tyrant King thinks it’s in charge and in control of, well, everything…calling the shots, using positions of authority to wield power OVER anyone and anything. I mean, we don’t have to look very hard or very far to see how the Tyrant King is alive and well in the world today and throughout time. Sadly. And devastatingly. The Tyrant King feeds on self-righteousness. It wants what it wants, how it wants it when it wants it, knows nothing of humility, sees surrender as a weakness, won’t take no for an answer, and doesn’t care who or what it demolishes in the process. You know what kind of energy of which I speak. 

As distressing as it is to witness and be affected by the many Tyrant Kings in positions of power in the world today, I personally feel compelled to do the one thing I can and must do: exercise my innate creative power to address and alchemize my own inner tyrant. It’s easy to see in others, harder and more important to see and transmute in ourselves. Because we can’t transmute anything in anyone else. But we can in ourselves. 

If you’ve listened to any of my podcasts or read my books, you know I talk a lot about the processes of alchemy and how they work to chip away at uncovering the true self. The processes of alchemy work mainly on the ego for the benefit of the soul and spirit, for more soul and spirit to come through the human life, for the true self to shine through. This means the ego takes the hits of alchemy. The ego is what burns in the fire. The ego is what drowns in the flood. The ego suffers the knife cut of separation. The ego gets suppressed during the dark nights. (That’s a fun one.) The ego gets lifted and dropped and crashed through the maddening process of distillation. (Another fun one.) The ego is what feels disappointed and disillusioned as heck when distillation has done its job and the gold within begins to radiate because that only happens by surrendering all sense of control and all notions of what the ego thought it might have been about, thought what any of this have been about, what it might have been like to be made golden.

The ego is the part of self that is constantly challenged to adjust and adjust and adjust again in order to align with and make way for the soul. Simply put, alchemy is incredibly hard on the ego and this is why I appreciate the ego so much. The ego takes all the hits, all the blows, all the burns, the crashes, the intense pressures …I mean really painful and excruciating processes that feel like death to the ego, but the ego doesn’t actually die. The ego doesn’t fully die or go away completely no matter how much inner transformation we do. It comes back alchemized and adjusted each time. And that is the whole point: to alchemize the ego to make way for the will, desires, expression, beauty, and love of the soul. 

Blessed is the ego that continually softens and adjusts to make way for the wild unfolding of the soul. Blessed is the ego that continually softens and adjusts to make way for the wild unfolding of the soul.

If there’s even the slightest give, the slightest softening, the slightest crack in our ideas of what we think should be going on, in our need to be in charge and in control, then the processes of alchemy can get in and do their job on the ego and the ego can become something other than the Tyrant King. It can move from being a Tyrant to being a Team Player. Not a Team Captain, but a Team Player, a Team Mate. Not a dictator but a partner. Not running the show, but an integral part of the whole. 

The Ego’s Purpose As A Team Player

So what does it mean, what does it like look when the ego is a team player instead of a tyrant? Basically, it means the ego is not in charge. That’s so hard. It is not going to get what it wants how it wants it all the time, but it still plays a necessary part in the whole operation. What is that necessary part?

Well, it’s easier to talk about the ego in relation and comparison to the soul, so I’ll talk about them both to paint a picture of this ego-soul partnership, this interplay that is central to exercising our creative powers as humans. 

Both the ego and the soul are necessary parts of being human. While the soul is a natural receiver, the ego is a natural protector, a natural clarifier, and meaning maker. The soul receives life and the experience as it’s happening without caring what it means or what it’s all for and the ego goes…hold up… what is this all about? What does this mean for me? What am I going to do with this? Maybe I don’t LIKE this. This sucks. Or this is amazing. I want more of this!

The ego roots us in our unique perspective. It forms opinions, stories, and preferences which is why it can easily begin to take over and run the show if we don’t make room for the soul to reveal itself and its will because the soul doesn’t care about or need to run the show, the soul doesn’t want to run the show, the just wants to be. And if we don’t make room for it to be, it will munity. It will do what it can to get our attention. I talked about that in episode 37 how to recognize the will of the soul, the many ways the soul will try to get our attention. We can’t cut the soul out without consequence. But we also can’t cut the ego out without consequence. 

And the main usefulness of the ego is to help us individuate, as humans, to decipher and delineate our differences, to know the me from the you and the you from the me. Because while it’s true that we are ultimately all one, all part of the same whole, we as individual humans hold unique pieces of the hold, unique pieces of the soul of the world. Think of a symphony. A symphony is not a symphony without many different instruments and parts, without each player dedicated to playing their unique part. The ego is what helps us identify our unique instrumentation in the universal symphony.

That’s all well and good and absolutely necessary, but the ego loses its usefulness when it goes from merely helping us individuate, holding our unique alignment, playing our unique part to using that uniqueness to qualify us as better or worse than each other, more or less valuable than each other. When it goes from seeing ourselves as different than to better than or worse than. When it goes from having a unique perspective to taking that perspective to be right and imposing it on others. I mean the ego is slippery, it’s a tricky business. The ego can easily convince us that we are better or worse, more deserving or less deserving than each other creating supremacy, hierarchy, dictatorship, tyranny. All of those things are the opposite of intimacy. The opposite of community. The opposite of collaboration. The opposite of sacred magic. 

Sacred magic and collaboration and unity requires individuation of all the parts. It requires differences. Differences are required. Difference and separation of differences is not a threat to creativity, although sometimes the ego will take it as such. It’s required for creativity. It’s required for alchemy. Separation is one of the seven stages and procedures afterall.

—So the ego is what helps us identify differences. It helps us individuate so we can communicate and collaborate.

The Partnership between the Ego and the SoulNow, this is the important part. The ego is a great identifier and meaning maker and discerner, but without the soul, the ego is just going off on its own, making shit up and creating scenarios for its own sake and pleasure, and this is where the imbalances come from. This is where the disconnect comes from. This is where the tyrant sneaks into play. Without connecting to, listening, and being in partnership with the soul, the ego easily becomes inflated and tyrannical. Without the soul, the story the ego tells is just fluff. With soul alignment, the story the ego tells is rooted in ancient truths, it’s rooted in nature, it’s rooted in the interconnected web of life. It bridges worlds. It brings us into something bigger than our immediate selves. When I hear a story with soul in it or listen to music with soul or experience some kind of art or creation rooted in soul, it lands differently than when I’m hearing something created solely from ego. Especially if there’s soul in the creation that resonates specifically with my soul. I’m likely to hear that story, listen to that music and get soul chills.

So, we need a partnership between the ego and the soul so the soul can bring us information from the depths, information from the interconnected web of life, help us receive what is actually happening aside from what we think should be happening. That’s what the soul brings us because the soul receives life as its happening unequivocally. An ego that knows how to listen, receive, and identify the direction and will of the soul is magical. The ego can become a container, an avenue, a vehicle for the magic to come to life. The ego can become a voice for the soul, telling the soul story. The soul is the source of true alignment, the soul is the source, but the ego is the human part of us that allows that source to flow, bringing that alignment into the world, bringing it into form. So the job of an ego, an alchemized ego in sacred alignment is to allow for and recognize soul and spirit coming into form.  

Being able to put the ego to work for the soul… I mean, this requires some level of initiation. This is what happens when we go through the seven stages of alchemy…we come out the other side of that hell with a new alignment…and that new alignment is with the ego being in service to the soul. The ego acquiescing and allowing for soul flow instead of controlling and deciding it.

But this can be really disappointing for the ego. This was the hardest part for me to get a grip on when I first started experiencing it. Alchemical initiation was rather anticlimactic for me. I thought I would feel better or more excited about finally being able to let my soul flow as it naturally wanted to. But instead, my ego was just like, so disappointed about the whole thing because it was used to being in charge, it was used to being right, it was used to getting rubs for being good, for being awakened, for being magical, for being amazing…and instead now it wasn’t getting anything. It was behind the scenes, it was in the back seat, not at the helm. It was letting the magic happen, not deciding it or orchestrating it. I don’t know what it is, but my ego hardly ever feels good about something that wasn’t her idea, wasn’t her immediate preference. Even if it’s a really good idea. Even if it’s better overall for my health and wellbeing. My ego’s probably not going to like it if she didn’t get to choose it first, if she didn’t get to control it, if it wasn’t her idea, I mean this sounds like a little kid, right? …no matter how soul aligned something is, I always have little, like, moment of ego pinch, ego disappointment, ego not liking what is happening. This is HUGE and I cannot emphasize this enough:

Soul alignment, soul magic, soulful living does not always satisfy the ego. Because the ego isn’t controlling it. The ego isn’t in charge of it and that’s what makes the ego feel good. The ego is surrendering to it. The ego doesn’t feel good necessarily in surrender. It doesn’t get rubs from surrendering, unless it’s secretly attached to surrender and controlling that surrender. If it’s true surrender, it usually feels like dying to the ego. Feels like losing your grip. 

My whole life I wanted nothing more than to be true to my soul, to live soulfully, to know what my soul purpose was and live it. I wanted it so much that I never once thought it would feel anything but AMAZING to do so. Well, it doesn’t always feel amazing to my ego. It mostly doesn’t. I mean, sure, once in a while my ego will get a boost and that feels amazing. But it doesn’t last long. Ego boosts do not sustain soul alignment. They accent it like a spice in a meal or a desert on special occasions, but it’s not the main meal. It’s not enough to sustain the work. This is what makes sacred magic, becoming the sacred magic so hard. This alchemical phase where the ego doesn’t get to feel good all the time for being in alignment with soul. This phase is called radiation, which I've begun to talk about in recent episodes and I wrote about a lot in Down from the Mountain. 

Dealing with Ego Disappointment

Okay I’m gonna wrap this up but I’m gonna leave you with a few tools to work with if you’re struggling with magical alignment and how devoid it feels for the ego.

Three tools. One… this helps me..

#1 Let the ego feel how it feels. The ego cannot be coerced or told what to do and how to feel anymore than the soul can. I find it easier to bring the ego on board with soul alignment if I’m listening to its woes, allowing it to feel sad or disappointed or upset or whatever it feels about it. Though prone to becoming problematic, the ego is still a team member and plays better when I’m not bypassing its wishes and feelings. I’m mean, think of a team. Team players play better when respect is offered for what they’re bringing to the table, right? A respected, welcomed, ego is way more likely to allow for soul alignment than an ego I’m trying to disconnect from, trying to change, fight, suppress, shadowban, or even kill. So, allow the ego to feel how it feels and let alchemy do the work on ego required to bring it on board for the soul mission because we need the ego as a partner. We need the ego to be on board with the soul mission. Not as a dictator but as a partner. For me, I know the ego is finally on board when my resistance softens into humility and even disappointment. That disappointment can be such a good sign. It’s okay for the ego to be disappointed and sad, as long as it’s humbled and on board. Better a disappointed ego than a disenfranchised ego. A disenfranchised ego is way more likely to go rogue. 

To me, this internal partnership between ego and soul is key. Because when I learned to be a team player, when my ego learned to start accepting soul alignment when it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, I became a better team player with others, in my other partnerships in life. Learning how to make way for and work with the natural flow of the soul even though that is really hard and disappointing sometimes for my ego… that has primed me to be a team player rather than a dictator in all aspects of life because I realize that I don’t have to be in charge. I don’t have to have all the answers. I don’t have to have my own way all the time. I can soften and still hold my own alignment while making space for others. I learned how to do this first by making space for different alignments, different feelings, different parts of myself, by not always getting my own way with my own soul! I learned it here first and it’s working its way out into my other partnerships.

#2 Take the ego boosts when they come but… don’t make them your main meal or source of sustenance. It’s not sustainable. Ego boosts are fine and sometimes really lovely and part of the whole deal, but they fade pretty quickly. They are a secondary reward, not a primary source of fuel. Believe me, I love the shit out of them when they’re happening, but I remind myself they are not my main source of fuel. If I make them my main source of fuel, then I’m undermining the soul work because I’m doing things in order to feel good with my ego receptors, my ego boost, rather than to be in service of soul flow. If you need constant ego boosts to feel good about soul alignment, it will put you back in Tyrant mode because then you’re led by looking for the next ego hit instead of led by soul flow, instead of tuning into and deciphering what the next soul direction is. The direction and sustenance does not come from the ego. The direction comes from the soul and the ego learns to recognize and implement it.

#3 Separate your ego receptors from soul receptors and draw sustenance from the soul receptors.  This was such a big part of my Down from the Mountain journey–training myself to feel the difference between what truth feels like to my soul and what it feels like to my ego. What alignment feels like to my soul and what it feels like to my ego. Because the ego and the soul receive truth differently. The receptors of my soul are so much more subtle. It’s a feeling in the subtle body–the soul is receiving “what is.” This is a feeling in the subtle body, not the emotional body. The ego feels things a lot more in the emotional body. In the beginning when I was first learning this, I could feel like a deep sense of relief, a deep elemented relief, it was this elemental place in me to be rooted in with my soul alignment, but at the same time I felt pretty dissatisfied in my ego places. I was confused by this for a long time until I realized that core alignment feels different to the ego and the soul and it probably always will because ego and soul are different parts of the psyche and they have different functions. Things that feed my soul don’t always boost my ego. Being in flow with sacred magic does not always feel amazing to my ego. This is really hard to fathom in a culture that programs us to believe everything will be bliss if we are in our deepest purpose. Yeah, I mean sure that can be true as long as we don’t have an ego, but hey, my ego is still here, still has an opinion, still has preferences, preferences that don’t always line up with what’s actually happening. So, my ego needs constant reminders and adjusting. 

In closing I made a sticker with the words how disappointing and lovely it all is...How disappointing and lovely it all is… to remind myself about the nature of this soul ego partnership, that I’m not doing anything wrong, that it really is this paradoxical and that I do my best work when I’m embracing all the parts of me that feel all the different ways. I put those words on a sticker. If you want one of these stickers for reminders and support, you can get one through the link in the show notes.

Until next time...