Ep. 12 The Codependent Triangle and Soul Growth

The codependent triangle way of relating as abuser-victim-rescuer permeates our society and perpetuates trauma. In order to stop the trauma cycle and heal, we have to step out of all roles in the triangle and operate from a place of soul, seeing the luminous power in ourselves and all beings.

In this episode:

• What is codependency as it relates to soul work?
• The three roles in the codependent (drama) triangle and how to break free of them
• My personal journey and story with progressing out of the drama triangle
• How taking the second half of the mountain journey and forming the Philosopher's Stone within brings a new round of facing codependency
• Transmuting the Codependent Triangle to the Compassion Triangle 

This one is for the cycle breakers.

With love,

M

Resources mentioned in the show:

https://www.karpmandramatriangle.com/
https://yourholisticpsychologist.com/
Codependent No More
Healing the Shame that Binds You
The Second Half of the Mountain
-->Click here for 20% off The Second Half of the Mountain audiobook 

Transcript

The codependent triangle way of relating as abuser- victim- rescuer permeates our society and perpetuates trauma. In order to stop the trauma cycle and heal, we have to step out of all roles in the triangle and operate from a place of soul, seeing the luminous power in ourselves and all beings.

You're listening to falling into soul. I'm your host McCall, Ericsson. I've been a student and a writer in the field of inner healing and transformation, specifically alchemy for the past 20 years. I bring forth context and reassurance for the deeper, more confusing processes of soul awakening that aren't always reflected for us in mainstream culture. Having the right context for the processes you're going through that the world gives you no context for can help you feel less crazy, less alone and more able to work with them as they're happening.

Thank you for tuning in this is episode 12, the codependent triangle and soul growth. In this episode, I'm going to talk about codependency and the codependent triangle, and the roles in that triangle.

Codependency is somewhat of a buzzword these days in spiritual circles. But it is not new. It's been around for decades. It's not new when it comes to psycho-spiritual development. And there are those of us who have been working with it and transmuting with it for a long time. I want to talk about it, what the CoD triangle is, the roles within that triangle, how it relates to the alchemy journey into soul that I've been talking about in this podcast and that I wrote about in the second half of the mountain.

I want to talk about how the codependent triangle hinders soul growth, authentic soul expression, and connection. And what does the transmuted version of relating to ourselves, to others and the world look like if we're not bouncing back and forth between those three roles in the codependent triangle.

I have to admit, I have felt really daunted by making this episode because codependency is such a huge complex subject. And I want you to know, I am not claiming to be an expert. I am just bringing my experience because it has been such a huge part of my experience and my own journey with soul healing and soul alignment.

I am not a psychologist. I am an Alchemist, which means I'm very good at the relational space. I study it. I observe it. I may be slightly obsessed with it. The relational space is where all our habits, patterns, ways of operating and relating are exposed. And the relational space is where we can change those habits, patterns, and ways of operating.

As alchemists. We know we can not change the true nature of things, but we can change our relationship to the true nature of things. It's all about the relationship. It's where the magic happens.

So as an Alchemist and a worker for the soul, I happen to be really well acquainted with the codependent triangle and how it is the biggest conditioning that can crowd our souls from having an authentic experience in relationship, in relationship with ourselves, with those we love and with the world around us, with life itself.

I have been working with this for the past 20 plus years. So like I said, I bring my experience, my strength and my hope I don't claim expertise, just my own experience.

What is the Codependent Triangle?

So, first of all, what is the codependent triangle? What is codependency and what is the co-dependent triangle? Co-dependency is an ongoing disconnect with yourself. When we are in the triangle of relating codependently, we override our own needs for the sake of another person's needs, for the sake of a cause, for a marriage, for a project, whatever, whatever it may be, we override our own needs. Not only just override them, sometimes we don't even know what they are.

In the codependent triangle, there's only one room for one person's needs or one person's truth or experience at a time only one person can be right at a time. Only one person can have the stage at a time.

So, how does this codependent triangle happen? We are automatically born into it. Most of us automatically born into this way of relating. We're conditioned to relate through the triangle. I've also heard this called the drama triangle, but I refer to it as the codependent triangle in my relationships and work, so I'll stick with that here.

The Three Roles in the Triangle

The three roles that make up the triangle are first victim /martyr, second savior/rescuer, third abuser/attacker. 

• First of all, victim martyr. When we're in the victim martyr role, we need someone to save us. We operate from a place of helplessness, a place of inferiority. We're not enough on our own and we never will be. We feel put upon, we feel victimized, attacked. As the victim/martyr, we also get a sense of self-worth from sacrificing ourselves, for others, sacrificing our own wellbeing for others. Even when we are being used and abused, we can get some kind of self-worth from being sacrificed. "I'll sacrifice my life and energy for the cause of others."  Which can look like love on the surface. On the surface, the CoD masquerades as love.
• Second savior/rescuer. When we are in the savior/rescuer role, we build an identity around being needed. Being the hero, being smarter or wiser than other people. We really truly believe other people need us. Other people are victims without us. They cannot do it. They will not survive. We are the saviors. This plays out in religion. I see this playing out in spiritually awakened people. When we believe we are now responsible for other people seeing the light, we have to help other people see the light. We really truly feel we are better than people because we see things, we know the truth. We know what's right. We have to set other people right. 
• Third, the abuser-attacker role. When we're in this role, we blame, we attack, we victimize others. We criticize others. Unwittingly or not, we hurt other people. We feel it's our duty to teach people a lesson, that if we're not hard on people, they're never going to get it. They're never going to see the light. We become bossy or dominating. We unleash our own unhealed, anger, and resentment on other people. And we feel justified in doing so. We perpetuate trauma. We feel other people deserve the brunt of our anger because it's their fault for being so weak. For not knowing for being stupid for not getting their act together. We go into that abuser attacker mode. 

That's just a brief overview of the three roles. And most of us, if we're in the triangle, we play all three roles at one time or another. Those are your choices. Take your pick, which one are you going to do? That's how we relate. This way of relating permeates Western and colonized cultures, all of the relational facets of it, starting with the family.

It's taught to most of us as the paradigm for relating before we even get a chance to think or learn otherwise. It's habitual, it's learned is programmed, but it's not really the authentic response of the soul in relationship.

What fuels the CoD Triangle way of relating?

So it's important to know what fuels this codependent triangle. It is fueled by an underlying disconnect from our own soul source and selves, disconnect with our own worth, our inherent worth worth that is inherent in existence.

This triangle runs on that disconnect. And what fuels disconnect with our own soul? Fear, shame, trauma, lack. So if we want to transmute out of the triangle and connect with our own soul source and our own soul worth, we have to face and transmute our own fears, shame and traumas.

My personal journey and progression out of the triangle.

I want to share a little bit about my journey and progression out of the triangle.

Like I said, relational dynamics have always intrigued me from a young age. It's just how I'm wired. I understand relational dynamics, communication dynamics. And as I remember as a little kid, As early as I can remember, I knew something wasn't quite right in the way adults related. I had this sense of soul energy, what was the real authentic me. And I could see the real soul, authentic energy in other people. And it didn't add up to the way I was learning to relate externally. I remember looking around at the adult relationships in my life and thinking, Oh no, this is not going to work for me. I don't know what I'm going to do when I get to be an adult, because I can not do relationship the way everyone is doing it around me.

I remember having that thought as a tiny kid, but by the time I was 16, of course I was deep in codependency. I was deep in the triangle. I had no other context. I had no other tools. Yes I had this deep soul knowing and the soul energy and it didn't add up to the way I was relating codependently. I just didn't know how else to relate.

I was being a rescuer savior to my mother, thereby victim victimizing her. I was in a power struggle with my stepfather. My boyfriend was breaking up with me and telling me he was going to end his life every time I did something that upset him. I mean, I was knee deep in codependency.

That's when I started talking to a counselor and she suggested that I read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and healing the shame that binds you by John Bradshaw. Those two books were eye-opening and life-changing for me. I can say that they really set me on my psycho-spiritual healing journey. They set the foundation for my soul growth out of the CoD paradigm.

The hardest, most selfish and life-saving decision I ever made.

At 18, I made the really hard decision to leave home while my mom was in another state with my 19 year old sister who was in recovery from brain surgery, a brain surgery. that didn't go well. I had four younger siblings at home. I was in charge of taking care of them. I was being the surrogate mother and I decided to leave. It was one of the most selfish and life saving things I've ever done. It started my healing journey.

That decision to put my own healing first was over 20 years ago and I have more tools now. I understand codependency on a bigger level. At first I thought it meant being wholly independent. Not ever being dependent on anyone to fill the wounds or voids or make up for my lack of self-worth. And that was actually a really good start. I took responsibility for me, my inner life, my feelings, my emotions.

I knew I could be whole on my own. I became fiercely independent. I made a commitment to always do the inner work and I continued on like that for lots of years. But I didn't have a lot of rich relationships, to be honest. I didn't know how to be interdependent. I knew how to make space for myself or make space for another person, but I didn't know how to do both at once.
I felt like I had to give up who I was to be in relationship with someone else. I didn't know how to do both at once, but of course, as most of us learn, we are not totally independent. There's no such thing as total independence. We are dependent on life itself to give us breath, to give blood through our veins.

We are dependent on each other. We are so dependent in this world. So it's not just about learning to be okay on your own. It's about learning to be dependent on each other in a way that allows the soul to breathe, in a way that allows space for both people, both souls and the relationship to breathe.

It's easy to feel healed and enlightened on our own. But getting into a relationship is always the real test. It shows us where there's work to do. Relationships have always been the biggest catalyst for my growth. And I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I'm talking about all relationships, though romantic relationships are usually the most charged for most of us. They're the ones that really scrape us down to the core.

How healing CoD relates to The Second Half of the Mountain Journey.

So I just want to say that I worked really hard on my inner life. And I worked really hard at cleaning up codependency for about 20 years. And that 20 years time spanned all of the alchemical processes that I outline in The Second Half of the Mountain. And it spanned my second half of the mountain journey.

I got a lot better at codependency during the second half the mountain, but I didn't realize how many more, how many co-dependent underlays and overtones, overlays underlays there still were in my ways of relating until I had fully distilled and reached what alchemists call the philosopher's stone, which I talked about in episode eight, until I reached that alignment with myself, that unbreakable alignment, that permanent alignment.

I was still hanging on to some codependent habits, and coagulation makes it impossible to abandon yourself, makes it impossible to not be in alignment anymore. Like I said, the alignment follows you everywhere. So when I got to the philosopher's stone and coagulation, I had to go through a whole new round of work with the codependent triangle.

So I'm just sharing what I've learned. Like I said, this is an overview on a lot of ways. Take what works for you. See what sparks, see what thread pulls you and follow it.

Shifting out of the Codependent Drama Triangle to the Compassion Triangle.

So to finish up this episode, let's just talk about how to shift the triangle. This isn't how to do the work. There's so many different ways to do the work and you're going to find your own way. We're all self healers. There's so many tools out there now, and I'll share some resources at the end, but I just want to share overall some signs of shifting the triangle.

First of all, the good news is that it only takes one person, one person who was ready, willing, and able to change to shift out of the triangle.

When you shift your way of relating and your way of communicating. It's a huge invitation for others who are ready to do so. One person breaks the chain, one person, that's all. It takes one person to break the cycle, one person to break this cycle and free other people to break it too.
So in order for the triangle to shift, The underlying foundation has to be that each person is responsible for their own healing, their own journey, their own feelings, their own wellbeing.
This does not mean that you can do it alone. It does not mean that you are the sole creator of everything that happens to you. It means you are in relationship with life and you are your number one advocate. It means you are responsible for your relationship with life and with yourself first and foremost.

No one can learn your inner navigational system for you. No one can delve into your inner life for you. It means you take responsibility for working with what comes your way. If we truly believe this and embody this for ourselves, then we extend that same belief and trust to all human beings, trusting the sovereignty and autonomy of their own soul and their own journeys. This means we have to set aside our responsibility for other people's journeys and feelings. That's really hard for a codependent person to do.

Number two, we learn discernment and boundaries. In the codependent triangle, everyone feels the same thing. Everyone's feelings are everyone else's. But when we heal, we have to start discerning what's ours and what's not, psychically, physically, and emotionally. We have to know what's ours and we set boundaries.

How can we know our own needs if we don't know what our own feelings are, if we don't know what our own places in the world, if we don't know our own energy system?
Number three, we make room for both. We make room for ourselves and the other in relationship, we make room for different truths, different moods, different experiences. They can be happening at the same time, many different and conflicting things can be true at the same time.

When I really started opening up more to myself and I could identify my part in things, my needs, my role in things, I had so much more room for others. I could finally make room for the "other" without being paralyzed by the threat of them, by the threat of their truth.
We build this capacity through acknowledging and holding our own paradoxes, our own multifaceted natures, and the processes of alchemy prepare us for this. They help us get to the point where we can hold the opposite tensions inside ourselves, the opposite tensions of light and dark soul, and spirit masculine and feminine. When we can hold them in ourselves, we've come so far in being able to hold them in relationship with others.

When we begin with these three foundational pieces, taking responsibility for our own life and energy, discerning our own boundaries and making room for others, including other and conflicting energies in ourselves, as well as conflicting energies between us and others, we begin to transmute out of the triangle and when we transmute the co-dependent triangle, the drama triangle, which could also be called the trauma triangle, we move into what is called the compassion triangle. I heard this first from Stephen Karpman, who I think is the originator of the codependent triangle.

He called it, the drama triangle and the transmuted version becomes the compassion triangle. I love that. The compassion triangle is when we learn to be dependent in new ways. We take our needs and other people's needs into consideration. If the codependent triangle is a way of being dependent and relating to others, that's fueled by fear, lack, shame, low sense of self-worth basic disconnect from our innermost selves, then the compassion triangle is based on self connection, a sense of abundance room for all room for differing truths, views, experiences.

The Compassion Triangle

• In the compassion triangle, the rescuer savior, transmutes to the supporter. We believe in others' ability to heal and do their own work. And we don't do it for them. We have empathy and compassion, but we don't do for them what's theirs to do. We can offer support and help and a listening ear with boundaries because we're coming from a place of knowing our own boundaries.
• In the compassion triangle, the abuser attacker is transmuted to the challenger. We move from being bossy,self-righteous to being clear and assertive, stating our boundaries and needs and encouraging other people to do the same.
• In the compassion triangle, the victim martyr transmutes to the survivor thriver. We move from being the helpless put upon victim to being resilient, to being empowered, to standing up for ourselves and our own needs.

In my experience, this is lifelong work, just because of how pervasive the codependent triangle and the codependent way of relating is in our world. We're nowhere near out of it. It's most everywhere. So tracking the energies of codependency in ourselves around every turn and weeding them out whenever they creep up is the work. It takes diligent effort. They can show up anywhere.

And I just want to send blessings and a huge hug to anyone who is doing this work. If you're called to bring new ways of relating to parenting, partnering, politics, professional environment and relationships, wherever you are doing this work, I am so grateful.
We are all needed. Every one of us is needed to do what we can, where we can. Each life transmuted and lived in new energy is a strand in the web of light that transmutes the whole.
Thank you for listening. I hope you found something in this that was helpful. I know it was a broad overview. There was no way to cover the complexity of codependency in 20 minutes. Please feel free to email me at mccallerickson@gmail.com. You can find me on my website, McCallErickson.com

Resources

The resources that I mentioned in this podcast, Stephen Karpman, the originator of the drama triangle. You can find his work at KarpmanDramaTriangle.com. That's K A R P M A N drama, triangle.com. The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is an oldie, but a goodie. That's the one that I started with. Also, there is a woman on Instagram, Dr. Nicola LaPera. She goes by the holistic psychologist. Her website is yourholisticpsychologist.com. She's putting out really good stuff about how to do the inner work and how to shift these co-dependent dynamics.

Follow your own threads. Follow what pulls you through this work. Know that the codependent way of relating permeates down to our core and that there are so many layers and spirals of it. But every time we transmute it, we get to live from an authentic soul place, an authentic way of relating from our soul alignment. And that's a new kind of magic .